staying in the pictures

Before Vincent's baptism I went shopping for something to wear for the ceremony. With Matteo's help, I ended up with a really pretty orange dress from H&M. Orange is his favorite color (Or was at the time, anyway. Apparently it's now red and purple.) and after four months of new motherhood it felt nice to dress up again.

We had family photos taken of everyone after the ceremony, which we just got back last week. When I saw the pictures my first reaction was to cringe. Ugh, I groaned. The pretty orange dress was no match for the extra 20 pounds of baby weight still hanging on. My first thought was that I looked like a pumpkin. My second thought was to hide the pictures - hide them with all of the other unflattering photos of myself I've been amassing since I started birthing children.


with Vincent's godparents, my aunt mary and my brother

I take very few photos of myself these days and I can count the number of family photos of the four of us on one hand. Mostly it's because I'm the one usually behind the camera. But when someone does take a photo of me, it's not uncommon for me to delete it, especially in the first few months after having a baby. The chubby, tired, frumpy woman who frequently appears in these photos is someone I struggle to accept.

I read this essay last year and it really resonated with me. I re-read it again today, after seeing these ridiculous post-partum pictures of Kate Middleton and feeling shitty about myself. Thank goodness I did. It was a brilliant and comforting and a good reminder, of why I need to be in the pictures. As the author later wrote in a subsequent essay on the same topic:

"...our family pictures do tell our stories. They are the stories we plan to pass to our children, to help recount to them and help them remember from where and whom they came. But even more than that, keeping ourselves out of these pictures -- out of these stories -- can symbolize something greater about how we see and treat ourselves as both mothers and human beings, and our children are watching. I am hoping that we might accept ourselves, perceived warts and all, as valuable, integral, essential parts of our own stories. I'm hoping we can value ourselves in our everyday forms as mothers, women, caretakers, warriors and, most importantly, individuals. "

(She wrote about this topic again, and what she's learned from a year of being in pictures, just a couple of weeks ago. Read it here.)

I'm vain, I'll admit. But I can handle that. What I can't handle is doing a disservice to my kids. From before they were born I've been working hard to create a rich collection of photos and messages from loved ones for them. The gift of their history is something I want to make sure I give them. So why am I being such a vain jerk and editing myself out of it?

"We're sporting mama bodies and we're not as young as we used to be... The kids are so much cuter than we are; better to just take their pictures, we think.

But we really need to make an effort to get in the picture. Our sons need to see how young and beautiful and human their mamas were. Our daughters need to see us vulnerable and open and just being ourselves -- women, mamas, people living lives. Avoiding the camera because we don't like to see our own pictures? How can that be okay? (from, here")

Life is about much more than the superficial. We try and teach our kids this lesson all the time. Why is it so hard to follow our own advice?

I'm going to work on this. So what if I look like a pumpkin? So what if I'm not playing volleyball in heels and flashing my taut stomach three months after giving birth? (Kate Middleton, I love you but I gave you a serious side eye with that one.) I'm going to stop being such a hater and start making sure I'm in more pictures - LOTS more. (Sorry instagram friends, you've been warned.)

Mama friends, I know I'm not the only one who goes through this. Who's with me on staying in the pictures?

grilled cheese season

Is it me or are grilled cheeses everywhere these days? (See here and here.)

One of my favorite kinds of grilled cheese sandwiches is the kind you get at a diner - the kind that comes with crunchy buttered bread and gooey American cheese and a little bit of pickle.


the Big Boy triple decker

But I also enjoy a little more flavor, hence, the grown-up grilled cheese. I was first introduced to grown-up grilled cheeses in 2005 in Domino magazine and their winning combinations of Gorgonzola & Honey, Cheddar & Mango Chutney and Smoked Mozzarella, Prosciutto & Basil.



I have made all three and each one is a home run. And, if you have the time, they make the BEST party food. Our local sub shop sells day-old loaves of their bread (which is the size of a baguette but much softer) so if I'm cooking for a group I'll pick up 6-8 loaves, a hell of a lot of butter, and go to town making piles of mini sandwiches.


best party food ever

Here is a closer look at the recipes - complete with beer parings!



You know what else I like on my grilled cheese? SUGAR. Here's another winner of a combination. This recipe calls for a panini press but I just grill mine up in a pan. (Click on the photo for a closer look.)



Happy grilling!

vincent - 6 months

6 months old

Dear sweet Vincent,

Today you are six months old. How did we get here so quickly?



Last week you learned how to crawl around on your belly and are now able to get wherever you want to go. Last night you showed us that it's time to lower your crib mattress because you can pull yourself up in it. This week you also got your first two teeth AND you started eating solid food. I feel like things have gone from zero to 60 this month. What's next, kid? The keys to the car?

A little bit about you at 6-months - you have such a sweet temperament. You are happy, and easy-going and content. You are active like your brother but where he was intense (even as a baby) and needed a lot of stimulation, you are laid-back and fine with exploring and playing on your own.









You started daycare a month ago and have adjusted well. The teachers say you play there all day long, never stopping, and when it's time for napping you sleep for hours. You have a little baby girlfriend whom you've already kissed. When I drop you off you never fuss. As soon as I put you down you're off on your way, playing with your favorite school bus toy and your friends.



Your brother loves you fiercely. Having been the center of attention for nearly three years we weren't sure how he was going to accept having to share our affection. But never once has he ever said that he wanted you to go away or he didn't want a new baby. (In fact, he's already asking for "another baby Vincent" because he likes you so much!) He is so proud to be your big brother and he has happily helped take care of you since the day you came home from the hospital. You are so lucky to have each other and I hope you always remain close.









[flickr video=10086187804 secret=27e8890dca w=400 h=225]

Life is much more hectic with two kids and you seem to be growing so much more quickly than your brother did. Part of it is because you're a bigger baby and you're physically growing out of clothes much faster than he did. But a big part of it is that my time is my time with you isn't undivided like it was with him and every time I turn around another month has flown by and you're whizzing through infancy toward toddlerhood.

Right now this is the biggest challenge for me. I desperately want more time! When your brother was a baby I wrote him letters like this each month, meticulously documenting every new achievement. I have tried to do the same for you but am already totally behind. And I definitely have taken fewer photos of you than I took of him. I know I shouldn't beat myself up about it all but these things are significant to me. I see these letters and photos as gifts to you both to be enjoyed and shared later in life with your own families. I want to be better at this.

But there is only so much time to go around and if I have to choose between living a life or documenting one, I'm going to live in the present and try to give you my attention. The result may be slightly fewer photos and blog posts - for now at least, until I finally figure out this new pace - but you'll always have my full attention. And I think you know that.

Everyone tells me we look exactly alike. I love this. You are my special little love and have filled these last six months with so much joy. Thank you.



I love you so much, Vincent.

Love,

Your Mama

happy birthday, grandma!

My Grandmother turns 96 today. (She might also be 97. We're not quite sure since she was never completely upfront about her age.)

When we were choosing her cards last weekend Matteo INSISTED on this one.



He saw it and immediately started cracking up. "I want the one with the butts, Mommy! I want the one with the butts!"

I looked at him like he was crazy and shook my head. "Matteo, there is NO way we can send your great-grandmother this card."

He laughed again and said, "But Mommy, it will make her laugh!" and started smiling and nodding his head like, "Come on lady, you know I'm right."

And you know what? He probably is.



At least I hope so!

Happy birthday, Grandma! We love you!


With Grandma and Matteo, summer 2012

haircut

Somebody finally got a haircut. He looks so much older!

totes!

(clip from the movie 'I Love You Man')

An old friend of mine is a designer for West Elm and is the genius behind these awesome tote bags.



I ordered one for myself a few months ago and was happy to see them mentioned here yesterday. Apparently, the powers that be at West Elm were initially skeptical of the idea to do humorous bags and were looking for something more classic, but the totes have blown up and she's now known as the "queen of funny farm puns". She's designed several other funny bags with more to come in future seasons.

Check them all out here. They make great gifts and shipping is free!